


You're perfect just the same

by banana_pancakes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 22:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14223246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banana_pancakes/pseuds/banana_pancakes
Summary: Tooru is thirteen when he realises something’s wrong with him. Well, not wrong wrong, like life threatening wrong, but he still feels kind of different than the other boys in his class. He’s in his first year of Junior High and puberty starts to kick in, which translates in a deeper voice for the boys, bigger breasts for the girls, more pimples for everyone and an increasing interest in the opposite sex.For everyone but him.[Or, Tooru's sexual awakening and his coming out.]





	You're perfect just the same

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song 'not worth hiding' by Alex the Astronaut. Enjoy!

**13 years old**

Tooru is thirteen when he realises something’s wrong with him. Well, not _wrong_ wrong, like life threatening wrong, but he still feels kind of different than the other boys in his class. He’s in his first year of Junior High and puberty starts to kick in, which translates in a deeper voice for the boys, bigger breasts for the girls, more pimples for everyone and an increasing interest in the opposite sex.

For everyone but him.

He hits puberty like all his comrades, but for some reason he doesn’t feel attraction nor the tiniest bit of interest for the girls in his school and it’s not for lack of reciprocation, the girls seem to like him alright. Sure, he likes to talk and joke with them and objectively speaking, they’re all cute and pretty, but he doesn’t have the urge to kiss any of them like his male classmates do.

At first he thinks that his hormones responsible for his sex drive are a bit behind the other boys’ and that he will catch up to them in no time, but as the schoolyear progresses, he still doesn’t feel attracted to girls.

Then comes The Day.

He’s in the club room with his fellow teammates after practice, joking and roughhousing (boys will be boys) with the lot of them, when his gaze falls on Hajime’s flushed and smiling face, and a thought passes through his head.

_Cute._

The thought is gone as fast as it came, but Tooru stops still at the realisation of what just crossed his mind. His eyes widen in a comical way, his arms fall limply at the side of his body and his heart beats like mad. The only thing he can hear is the blood rushing in his veins as he panicky thinks about this sudden realisation.

Did he really just think that? Where did this thought even come from?

In an effort to rationalise this crazy thought, he tells himself that Hajime is his best friend and that they know each other since they were both in diapers. Isn’t it normal for childhood best friends to think that the other is cute, like, in a brotherly way?

This way of thinking calms him down (although, deep down, he knows he’s only making excuses) and only now he realises that his teammates are fussing around him, alarmed at his sudden stillness. Hajime is right in front of him, looking worriedly at him and asking if he’s alright.

Tooru plasters a smile on his face and waves Hajime off.

“I’m alright Iwa-chan, I was just struck about your uncanny resemblance with gorillas,” he lies, but right now everything’s better than telling the truth about his spacing out.

“Haah, do you want to get hit, Shittykawa?” Hajime grits out, his usual frown scrunching up his features and everything goes back to normal.

They banter and chat a bit more with their teammates while changing from their practice wear into their school uniforms, then head home. It’s only then that Tooru falls quiet, his thoughts running wild again.

He’s usually never this quiet when they walk home from practice, always talking about his day at school (to Tooru’s biggest chagrin, Hajime and he aren’t in the same class) or about some space movie that’s coming out soon or about the latest episodes of their favourite animes.

He wonders if Hajime notices his unusual behaviour, but if he does, he doesn’t call Tooru out on it and Tooru really appreciates it. Right now, he needs some peace and quiet to solve the origin of his earlier thought and what to do about it.

Should he just ignore the thought completely or find some meaning behind it? And why Hajime? Why did his mind decide to find Hajime of all people cute?

It’s only late at night, after having spent the whole evening overthinking, that he concludes that his crazy thought from that afternoon was probably a one-time thing, a fluke that won’t ever happen again and he shouldn’t worry about it anymore.

However, as the weeks pass, such thoughts occur more and more often, but only when he’s looking at boys. At first, he panics and tries to supress them, but as their occurrence increases and their contents get more and more explicit, he slowly accepts their presence and embraces their implication.

At the end of his first year of Junior High, Tooru admits to himself that he’s into boys.

 

**15 years old**

“Kyaaaa!! Oikawa-kun scored again.”

“He’s so good at volleyball that it seems so effortless.”

“His serve is so strong.”

“Oikawa-kun, one moooooreee!!”

Kitagawa Daiichi’s volleyball club is in the middle of a practice match with a nearby Middle School in preparation for the Spring Tournament that’s slowly but surely approaching. Tooru just scored another service ace and his fan club is going wild in the stands. Only a few more points and they will have won the game.

He smiles to himself as he repositions himself for another serve, revelling in his fans’ cheers and the aura of confidence surrounding his team.

He feels good, more than good actually. The start of his third year of middle school was complicated to say the least. On top of hiding his sexuality, which brought him to a state of constant unease, a genius first year setter joined the volleyball club and he felt threatened by him. Things got ugly and he risked being benched permanently for his stupidity. Luckily, Hajime brought him out of his funk and showed him that he wasn’t alone.

He inhales one last time then sends the ball flying in the air.

He follows shortly, taking one step, two steps, then he’s jumping, ready to smack the ball. His hand connects perfectly with the ball, which flies at an impressive speed towards the opposing team. They’ll never be able to receive this one.

The ball lands with a loud bang on the other side of the court, untouched by their opponents.

Another service ace.

His teammates entrap him in a group hug, congratulating him on another serve well done. Everyone is smiling and riding on the high of imminent victory. His gaze flickers automatically towards Hajime, who’s ruffling his hair, big dopey smile plastered on his face. His heart flutters at the sight, an occurrence that happens a lot these past few months when he’s looking at his best friend, and he grins back at Hajime before repositioning himself for yet another serve.

Yeah, he’s content. He’s learned that he’s not alone and that he can count on and rely on his team, his friends, his loving family and above all Hajime. However, there’s a small detail that could jeopardize all these things. He’s gay and has a thing for Hajime.

Tooru is fifteen and has a big ass crush on his childhood best friend that he’s not ready to confess in a million years.

 

**17 years old**

Tooru lies on his bed, cocooned in his fluffiest blankets, a vain attempt at seeking warmth and comfort. His face is buried in his pillow, the tears he’s shedding wetting the pillowcase, but he doesn’t mind. He feels numb and heavy, not even able to feel the warm tears streaming down his face anymore.

For how long has he been in this state already? A few minutes, a few hours?

He realises that he doesn’t care, doesn’t care about anything anymore. He’s just so, so tired. He’s been tired for a long time now and today is the day where the cup overflowed and he’s finally breaking down.

As he’s lying motionless on his bed, snippets of this afternoon’s happenings go through his mind.

_“I don’t think this will work out Oikawa-kun.”_

At first he tried to block them out, but now he just lets them pass and it’s like watching a bad movie.

_“You’re in love with him.”_

What was supposed to be a cute date with his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend he reminds himself) turned into a living nightmare.

_“I don’t even know if you ever liked me.”_

It wasn’t the first time that a girl broke up with him, but it was the first time one of his ex-girlfriends pointed out the obvious. That he never liked a single one of them, because his heart already belongs to someone else.

_“Why are you doing this to me? To all the other girls you dated before me?”_

Why, indeed. Because he’s afraid to come out, even though it’s tiring to hide his true self. Because he’s afraid of being rejected by society, his friends, his family, his Hajime, if he doesn’t act like he’s supposed to. Because he’s terrified to lose the person he loves the most in this entire world if he ever tells him that he’s in love with him.

_“You’re a coward, Oikawa-kun.”_

And with that last sentence she went away, her words hitting so close to home that he recoiled at them and was too stunned to apology to her for being such a jerk.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur, he doesn’t recall how he got home or how long he’s been brooding in his room.

Are his parents home yet? Probably, it’s already dark outside. He didn’t hear them though, or maybe he’s so out of it that he didn’t notice their arrival.

Is it time for dinner yet? _Whatever,_ Tooru thinks, _I’m not hungry anyway._

Suddenly, there’s a large hand running through his hair and he jolts in surprise at the sudden touch. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t hear anyone enter his room. Slowly, he turns his head to see who the intruder is and is met with Hajime’s worried face.

“Hey,” Hajime whispers, still stroking his hair. “Your mom called me, saying you were in a bad mood.”

Of course she did. Everyone knew that Hajime was one of the only people who could cheer him up when he felt miserable. Tooru wonders if he will be able to this time, though. He feels like nothing could cheer him up, like all happiness and contentment has left him for good.

“Weren’t you supposed to be on a date this afternoon?” Hajime asks softly.

Tooru buries his head back in his blankets and nods softly. He really doesn’t want to see the pity in Hajime’s face. Seeing the state he’s currently in, it’s not hard to imagine what happened this afternoon and Hajime’s sympathy is the last thing he needs.

To his greatest relief, Hajime hums only without adding a word. They stay silent for another few minutes, Hajime still carding through his hair, which calms him down greatly. He still feels depressed but his silent crying has stopped at last. He wipes his face clean with one end of one of his blankets and finally pops his head out of his makeshift cocoon, meeting his best friend’s dark brown eyes. Hajime’s face is open, welcoming, reassuring, not a trace of pity nor exasperation to be seen.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asks gently, his tone indicating that he’s okay with Tooru not wanting to talk at all.

But Tooru has had enough. Enough of hiding a part of himself. Enough of flirting with girls to uphold appearances, although all he wants to do is to flirt with cute guys, especially with Hajime. Enough to always be so tired.  He’s had enough of being a coward.

_Fuck it,_ he tells himself. _Worst case scenario, if Hajime doesn’t accept that I’m gay, I’d have to endure his disgust for only one year, then I’ll be gone and off to somewhere far away from here to study,_ he adds darkly.

“She broke up with me,” he says with some difficulty, his voice still scratchy from all his crying.

“I figured. Did you like her that much? I’ve never seen you cry for a girl before.” Hajime muses, trying to remember one time when he’s seen him cry for something else than volleyball.

Tooru shakes his head and Hajime looks at him wide eyed.

“You’ve cried for a girl before?” he asks stunned and Tooru has to try very hard not to roll his eyes.

He shakes his head again and adds for clarification, “I didn’t like her. Actually, I didn’t like any of my girlfriends.”

Hajime still looks at him in bewilderment, but this time it’s for a different reason. Tooru may be a bit dramatic at times and petty with his volleyball rivals, but he’s not a jerk. However, dating a girl you don’t even like and toy with her feelings, is kind of a dick move.

“Why are you crying then?” Hajime exclaims, his anger and disappointment showing on his handsome features. “Why were you dating her in the first place, then? Why did you date any of them if you didn’t feel anything for them? I know that you can be shitty at times, but this surpasses everything shitty you’ve ever done. How could you be such a dick? I thought you were better than that.”

At his best friend’s harsh words he lowers his head in shame and his eyes start to sting. He takes it all in without any protests, knowing that he deserves Hajime’s judgment. It doesn’t hurt any less though, and tears start to roll down his face again.

Hajime is now done ranting and is trying to calm down by taking deep breaths. Tooru’s mind is filled with guilt and self-pity and he’s so done feeling that way. He’s done hiding. So he whispers, “I’m gay,” and hopes that Hajime heard him.

Hajime abruptly stops taking in deep breaths and his eyes get as wide as saucers. It’s gotten so quiet in his bedroom, that Tooru wonders if Hajime didn’t die of shock.

“What?” Hajime croaks after a few seconds, but it feels more like one hundred years have passed to Tooru.

“I’m gay,” he repeats with more conviction and all of a sudden he can’t stop the words tumbling out of his mouth. It’s as if this show of conviction was a catalyst for all his pent up frustration to come out. “I’m gay, okay. That’s why I didn’t like any of those girls. I know it was a dick move to date them and to lead them on like I did, but I was so afraid of people finding out I am gay, afraid of losing them because they think I’m disgusting and hate me for who I am.”

He chokes up on a sob, fear and weariness crashing down on him as he recalls these past few years. His mind is spiralling down in despair, but it doesn’t stand a chance against the warmth that is suddenly enveloping him.

Strong arms are holding him tightly against a chiselled chest, so tightly that he can feel Hajime’s steady heartbeat against his own chest. He sobs even harder now, because Hajime holding him in his arms must mean that he’s not disgusted of him, that he accepts him and he’s so relieved by this simple gesture.

It takes some time till his sobs stop, and when his heavy breathing has finally calmed down Hajime whispers softly in his ear. “Tooru, you’re so stupid. It’s not worth hiding your true self if it causes you so much pain. Fuck the haters and if someone ever gives you shit because you’re gay, I’ll bet them up. And how could you ever think I wouldn’t accept you?! Gay or not gay, you’re perfect.”

A fresh wave of tears escape from his eyes, because this is probably the sweetest thing someone has ever said to him and it’s really what he needed to hear at the moment. He tightens his grip around Hajime’s shoulders, buries his face in Hajime’s neck, whispers “Thank you Hajime,” and revels in the warmth surrounding him.

Tooru is seventeen and in his last year of high school when he learns that being gay is okay.

 

**19 years old**

He’s ripped from a deep sleep by a shrill sound and when he realises what woke him up, he curses all the gods for rousing him from the beautiful dream he just had. He blindly searches for his phone on his bedside table, hoping he could just crush it with a hammer. After some feeling around, he finally finds the annoying device and shuts the alarm off.

He stays in bed for another few seconds, gathering all the courage he has to leave his warm bed when a strong arm snakes around his waist and pulls him back against a hard chest.

“Stay five more minutes,” a sleep muddled, deep voice says and Tooru smiles to himself. Staying five more minutes wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“I can do that,” he replies and makes himself comfortable in his lover’s embrace.

His partner nuzzles the back of his neck lovingly, then kisses it lightly and leaves his lips there.

“Good morning Tooru,” his boyfriend whispers and Tooru hums contently.

“Good morning Hajime,” he mumbles back sleepily, before being lulled back to sleep by Hajime’s comforting warmth.

Tooru is nineteen, the prodigy first year setter of his university, openly gay and dating the love of his life.


End file.
